Peter Wiggin's Journal
by Witch0fTime
Summary: What Peter was thinking at the beginning of the book in the format of a journal.
1. Entry 217

Entry 217

I hate him. He drives me crazy. Always showing me up, making himself better than me. But he knows and I know that he is not better than me. He can't be better than me. Because he is a Third.

He is a stupid, unlawful Third. He doesn't have the right to exist. It should be me wearing that monitor, being listened to and watched. And then I would get to go to battle school, and he wouldn't exist. It would be just me and my sister. Not him. Then everything would be good, and Valentine would be my friend instead of his.

He isn't any better than me. Why does he get to keep his monitor for so long? He's had it a whole year longer than I did. Why didn't I get chosen? I'm better than any Third, no matter how smart. I'd make a better commander than he ever would. He's a bugger lover. Can't kill a fly. I can kill. I can be the most brutal commander the world ever saw. Why didn't they pick me?

I could kill him. Valentine would know, but I could convince everyone else that I didn't know it would kill him. That it was a mistake. Then the government would stop thinking about him, and maybe even reconsider me.


	2. Entry 218

Entry 218

He got his monitor off today. He came home with a bandage on his neck. I knew then that our whole line was a failure. But that's okay. As long as he doesn't get sent, I know that he wasn't better than me. He failed too. It's not just me that is wrong.

I tried to kill him today. But something inside me wouldn't let me do it. I've killed things before. Little rodents. But I couldn't kill him. I couldn't find it in myself to do it.

I wanted to. I still hate him. Even if he isn't going to Battle School, he still had the monitor longer than me. They thought he was going to be the one, the one from our family they should send. They had him in their thoughts and questions for a whole year longer than me. He almost made it. And for that I loathe him. But I couldn't kill him. Why? I want to with all my soul.

No, I don't. As much as I want to hate him, he is still my brother. The shame of it almost cancels out the love. Having a Third, even with the permission of the government. Everyone will think we are a non-compliant family. No matter how many times we explain, we will always be shunned. Hated. And it's his fault for existing. Yet I love him all the same.


	3. Entry 219

Entry 219

That little bugger lover. I hate him now more than ever. I wish I had killed him yesterday. Love no longer hinders me, that much I am sure of. But now it's too late for that. Too late for anything. I am now nothing more than a failure. The Wiggin who should have gone to battle school.

They came for him today. One of the I.F. They said they were going to take him after all. Valentine was crushed. Mother and Father were relieved and anguished at the same time. But I was only angry. All I can feel inside is the anger. It wells up and grows and swells until I feel I'm going to burst, but it does no good. When people look at me now, they will whisper to each other. "Look. It's that Wiggin boy, the one who was so stupid that a Third got sent to battle school instead of him. What a waste of time."

I know that he isn't better than me, but now he's where I should be. I deserve to be in battle school. I am ready to fight. He could never fight to kill, not even to save his life. But I am willing to kill every single bugger in the universe. I can be the most unsympathetic military commander in history. Why him?

Obviously they saw something of potential in me, or they wouldn't have commissioned that outrage. But what do they see in him that they don't see in me? They see that he can't kill. That's a bad thing, isn't it? They see that he is a Third. They see that he is emotionally attached to Earth. All withdrawals. All obstacles that I have never had. It should be me up in space learning to fight. Not that bugger lover, that Third.


	4. Entry 220

Entry 220

Father and Valentine have already sent their first letters to Ender. They actually care. They don't see that it should be me. That I am the one who should be in control.

Word reached us today about some boy named Stilson. Apparently Ender killed him. They must be wrong. Ender can't kill. He wouldn't do it except by mistake, and you can't kill by mistake.

Can you?

Maybe that is what changed their minds. They didn't want him so they took away his monitor, but then they saw him kill that boy and that made them want him after all. I couldn't kill him. That must be why they didn't want me. They final test must be to kill someone. But I can't kill people. Only rodents. Why is that a problem? The buggers aren't people. They are horrible scars that were never meant to be. Just like Thirds. Just like Ender.

But they don't know Ender is a failure. He did it on accident obviously. And they thought he did it on purpose. So they took him. But soon enough they will see that they were wrong, that they needed me after all. Soon. Maybe this month. I can kill the buggers. I'm not a Third. I'm not afraid of my own shadow.

Who am I kidding? I am a failure. They will never take me. I have already failed the test. There is no way for me to make them reconsider me. I had my chance, my one shot at glory, and now they have seen that I can't kill and they will never look at me again.

Well I'll show them. If I cannot be a battle hero, I will be a dictator. I will rule this world. I could do it. It would only take some convincing. And many years of patience.


End file.
